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Murder weapons, large sums of money and dramatic coups? No, it's not the Traitors UK finale, it's Whitehouse's weekly digest of the news to look at who came out on top in Westminster, and who did not... 

Top: Yvette Cooper

This week, Keir Starmer and Yvette Cooper have announced that Labour will “ban killer zombie knives for good”. Not just an excellent name for a prog rock band, this promise is the latest in a slew of commitments from Labour to crack down on crime.

Prompted by Idris Elba’s recent campaign on knife crime, Cooper and Starmer’s news round seems to have helped apply pressure to government who now just-so-happened to have tabled anti-knife legislation on Thursday.

Despite James Cleverly’s protestations that the ban on knives has nothing to do with Labour or Elba’s campaign, most news outlets are focusing on Labour saying the legislation “hasn’t gone far enough”, doubling down on the narrative that the Tories’ policies are too little, and too late. Way to twist the knife in, Yvette.

Mid: Michael Gove

With several local authorities having announced that they are close to bankruptcy (honestly, big January mood), Michael Gove has swept in and offered councils £600m, which will mostly go to children’s and adult social care.

Whilst the move has been welcomed by local councils, it isn’t going to be enough to fill the £3bn gap that the LGA estimates is needed. As the costs of providing complex public services booms, the underinvestment into local authorities from central government is causing the strain. This spells trouble for the Tories in the upcoming elections – both local and general.

Between crumbling schools, unsafe cladding and public services falling apart – the fraught political terrain the Conservatives will be facing as they go into the general election will have nearly as many potholes as the average A road.

It also spells trouble for whoever is next in power. If Labour get in, after all the hard work they’ve put in to be perceived as frugal – they might be resistant to investing in chronically underfunded services, spelling more trouble further down the line. Labour will get more and more questioning on how they’re going to allocate spending as the election draws closer – and it’ll be interesting to see if they get a bit more generous with their budget commitments as the pressure mounts.

Bottom: Simon Clarke

With the Tories’ popularity at an all-time low, Simon Clarke MP attempted to stage a coup against one of their least popular leaders, and somehow failed. Now at least we know that the one thing that unites the Tories is they’ll tolerate a rebel but only if they have some rizz.

The issue for Clarke and the Conservative Party is that, actually, it isn’t Rishi that’s the problem. The Conservatives are starting to feel a bit like Brexit – no one can stand to hear about them anymore. The Tories know this – and they know that nothing gets the political spotlight quite like a leadership change. The best chance they have of not being obliterated in the next election is to stick with Sunak.

Clarke clearly doesn’t agree. In an interview this week he nobly reflected that no one likes the person shouting “iceberg!” but that someone has to do it. We’re not sure anyone heard him against the sound of the ship sinking…